her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
