The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
