Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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