yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
