if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
