I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
