if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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