Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
