Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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