If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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