I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize