Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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