I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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