i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
