Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
