o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
