I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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