Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
