I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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