It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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