Tell her she can't have a vagina
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
