There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize