I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just want to make out with him forever
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize