I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
