Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize