I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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