Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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