Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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