quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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