If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize