My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
