Are we in a gay sports bar?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
