i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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