Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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