woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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