Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
