i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
