Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize