I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
