They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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