i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
