mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
