I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
