I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
