so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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