And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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