hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize