Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
