I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
