I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
