I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
