Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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