thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
