I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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